We all reach out, grasping, hoping, for something, anything. A glance, a touch, a kiss, hoping that someone will notice us, that they will validate our existence.

We cling to each moment, praying that somehow, this means something, that we are loved, that we are cared for, that we won't die lonely.

Instead we rush without direction through existence, damaging others, while becoming battered and bruised as we collide with others rushing every which way.

We become less than we once were, as life slowly wears us down.

Perhaps, someday, I'll find someone to blaze through existence with, bright and with purpose, knowing exactly how to go. Even if we don't know where, exactly we're heading. Bumps along the way aren't as hard when there are two taking the knocks.

Sometimes I look at myself and wonder...who is this person? Who are you, and what have you done with Erin?

I don't know.

I feel like I'm more me than I've ever been in my life, but then in other ways...I've strayed so far from who I thought I was.

I wish I knew.

I wish I understood.

My Life Flows On In Endless Song

Last night was parent night. Which means that our parents come, the third years bare their testimonies, and we sing all of the songs we've loved best for our friends and family.

I was given a few moments to share my testimony. I was limited to 150 words. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know how hard that is for me. I did it though. Here is what I said:

I’ve realized the importance of the small choices we make each day. What kind of music we listen to, whether or not we make time for the spirit in our lives, how we interact with others, leaving a place better than it was when we came, these are all valuable things that I have learned from Brother Eggett and LDC.

Most importantly, I know how I want to live my life. I want to have Christ with me forever, because with him I am better. Seeing the difference between who I was four years ago, and who I am now, is incredible. I am happier, and it’s because I’ve learned how to live the gospel. Brother Eggett has modeled for us what we can have and who we can be when we have the gospel in our lives. 

Then Brother Eggett talked about me. 

He told everyone how I was the most talked about to his wife in the choir this semester. He was so grateful that I came back, and helped to push the choir along. I would be there, my face would be hopeful and happy, and I was able to keep everyone else going. He told everyone how happy he was that I came back. He said a few other things about me. It was what I needed to hear.

Then we sang Pilgrim Song, which has been my favorite song we've sung this semester.

As we went through all the third years and the songs, I was filled with so much love for everyone in the choir. I was able to see them all as children of Heavenly Father. 

I feel like there are moments, that are so beautiful and intrinsic to who we are that they become a part of us. A part of us will always remain in that moment of time for that instant. There are moments, where I will forever be. 

These are about the moments that we carry with us forever, and we are carried by them. They transcend time and space and it is those moments that help to define us. Last night was one of those experiences.

Last night beautiful.

It was as though the choir were singing with the angels. I got to hold Dad’s hand and look into Mom’s eyes and it was difficult to sing. But it was wonderful. I felt so much love from my parents when they looked at me. Even though Dad was annoyed at the length, I could tell he was still proud of me. I wanted the night to continue forever. I made Mom cry. It was beautiful, and I didn't want the night to end, because I didn't want to leave. In a way, I will always be there. A part of me will always be there singing the songs of my testimony. 

Even though I am moving on, part of me will always be in that shimmering fraction of time, singing my testimony with the people I love, to the people I love most.

Summer and Goals

It's summer!

Well. Sorta.

I am taking a couple of classes so I can get that English minor taken care of and so that I can take medicinal plants in the fall with Monica.

I'm working grounds again. Which is nice, because I enjoy grounds. Well. Except for when I have to be at work at 6 am to mulch things and I have an allergic reaction on my way to work and the subsequent fumes and mulch and pine cone ick only make matters worse...those aren't good days...that happened to me today...

Anyways.

I usually enjoy grounds.

In other news, there are somethings that I want to do with my summer.

These are my summer goals:

Climb to the top of Mount Timp, Cascade Mountain, and Y Mountain. Not necessarily in that order...

Write a song

Finish my novel. I have 30,000 words, but it's still not done. I really want to finish it so that I can say things like, "Oh yeah, in my novel...*insert pretentious statement here*" or "So when I took Brandon Sanderson's class I wrote a novel, and finished it!"

Write a book with my friend Sadie.

So yeah, those are my goals. Those are summer plans.

Yay!

The Past Week

I've been very happy the past couple of days.

On Monday, we had an Oscar Night FHE where each of the FHE groups made a movie.

It was fun. My roommate and I decided to dress up, but weirdly.

I wore my mom's prom dress from the 70s.

Yes. There are pictures.

This, dear friends, is called a Gunne Sax dress. They were all the rage. My Grandma didn't want to buy one because they were expensive and she could make one just as pretty.

So she did.

Yes, those are flowers in my hair. Care to see a closer shot? I thought you would

I like doing hair. It makes me happy. It makes me happier when it looks pretty too. I also got to do my roommates hair. So therapeutic guys. If I ever flunk out of college, I'm going to hair school.

I love these guys

Awkward Monday Story
I went to the Oscar night and people kept complimenting me (Oh...stop...but go on...). Even in the Pioneer-like garb, I still looked fantastic.
I finally sat down next to Cousin Jon. I see Boy Who I Have History With #1 in my peripheral. We are talking to our respective people, but I can see him occasionally looking my direction. I know that contact will be made. He comes up to me and starts talking, which I happily engage in.
THEN.
Boy Who I Have History With #2 comes up to me and starts talking to me as well. While #1 is still there.
They were totally sizing each other up. I could see it. I was sitting there awkwardly trying to smile and be friendly to both.
Guys. Having two guys trying to flirt with you at the same time sounds good in theory, but in practice, it makes me want to run away. Far away. People finally started to go into the auditorium, and I awkwardly said, "Hey. Let's go in," and I ran.
Jon watched this entire episode with great amusement. To quote him, "I was so glad no one was talking to me so that I could just sit back and watch. It was hilarious watching them both try to flirt with you."

On Tuesday, I went to sushi, with my cousin Jon and Manda-face. It was awesome. I ate six rolls. Now, keep in mind that I can't eat any of the crazy tempura shrimp awesomeness that looks delightful. I'm stuck with the regular sushi and california rolls (what a tragedy...). So it isn't AS bad as it would be...but I was still so very stuffed that I didn't have dinner that night...or breakfast the next morning.

Mmmmm. Sushi. Then I went to a ward bowling activity, which was fun. Then. We went to Terrific Movie Tuesday and watched Princess Mononoke. Which was delightful. Oh Miyazaki...I'm not sure how I feel about this world of yours where people get their heads shot off with arrows and chicken/human/stags, but I sure do enjoy it.

Wednesday was AWESOME.

We had our show.

First we sang for a gathering of Stake Presidents and Elder Clarke. Who was amazing. He told us that President Monson was proud of us and that we were doing amazing thing. We had just sung I Will Rise, so that might've had something to do with everyone crying and feeling the spirit. Guys, the gospel is so wonderful.

Then we performed our show for 900 youth and their leaders. It was so amazing. The show went very well, especially considering that two microphones broke, and some of the tech things were weird. Don't worry, it will all be ironed out by Sunday. It was such an amazing experience, and it was so spiritual.

Hammy got his mission call. He's going to Georgia Macon Spanish speaking. He leaves on July 24, three days after we get back from Pageant.

Then I went home and I studied.

Yesterday I got to study during the daytime (whaaaaaat?) and got a lot accomplished. Then I went to get gluten free pizza with Monica. Then I went and filmed our ridiculous tour video for retreat.

Then I studied some more.

I took a final this morning. Two more to go. Tomorrow.

Today I need to write at least 3,000 words today, study with my friend, study alone, probably freak out about all that needs to get done, because let's face it, we're really overdue for one of those this week, and then go on a date tonight.

Tomorrow will also be scary. Final at 7 am, finish writing whatever I have left of the 7000 words before I'm finished, go on a date, go to my friends farewell have fun being British in England again party, and maybe sleep at some point.

Can we just skip to Sunday so that I can enjoy performing my shows without the fear of finals?

Also, UVU starts finals on Monday. We didn't start ours until today. They still got spring break, and started the same week as us.

Getting out a week later and it's the same amount of time is a lie. BYU should just give us spring break already...

Well, it's been an awesome week. Now I need to go and study.

It's that time of the semester...

Before this week is finally over, I have:

A youth show tonight for my choir. Youth will be watching this show. High school and junior high kids, the most difficult people to impress.

A study thing on Thursday that I have yet to actually study for. You have to study for these things to actually be an effective study partner.

A final on Friday morning.

A final on Saturday morning for evolutionary biology, that I'm really nervous for.

My final for Brandon Sanderson's class, which is 30,000 words and 2,000 of those words need to be ridiculously polished to get a good grade. 

Two shows on Sunday.

The sound my stress is making right now is something like this:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Focusing on one thing is really hard right now. I'm not gonna lie. I keep getting distracted.

Oh hey! Sunshine...

Oh no...

Here we go again.

I just got back from friending. We hung around watched a movie, and I felt the inevitable sucker punch that comes when a guy doesn't like me the way I thought he did, but I allowed myself to hope.

Pesky hope. Rising like a bubble of light to my heart, only to burst and sends shards of glass to my extremities. My fingers betray me, clenching in pain, as my face smiles and I laugh. 

I got home. My MAC base was sticky with oil and sweat, and my mascara was shading the bottom of my eyes, giving me a ghastly look. 

I try to be involved in things. I like knowing things. I love being a part of amazing things, and I've had ample opportunities to be a part of amazing things. I'm spiritual. I'm pretty in my way. I'm active. If I was a guy, I'd be all over me. I would so date me.

I had one of those perfect storybook, surround sound, high definition moments where I like a boy, he liked me, and it was perfect. It happened a couple of months ago. I have never had anything like that before in my life. I could have fallen in love with him so easily, it would have been as natural as breathing. 

I couldn't have him. He's not the one for me.

There is this piece of my heart, which sometimes is a separate entity from my head, that keeps screaming, "BUT!...BUT!...HE WAS PERFECT! WHY DO WE HAVE TO KEEP SEARCHING?!" 

Who knows if it would have even continued to be perfect or great. Maybe we would have broken up three weeks later anyways.

Then I have to have that inner monologue conversation where neither side is satisfied with the answers and I just want to cry a little. 

I've had one real boyfriend. I had a weird pseudo relationship last summer and I was less myself than I have ever been. I broke up with Storybook before we ever got together. 

I've spent most of my life watching other people love each other and wishing desperately that I had someone to hold my hand. Sometimes I try to find someone to hold my hand. The endorphins rush, I hope beyond hope that this is it, but instead I feel less myself than ever, so I distance myself, running away trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. 

I have a hard time connecting with the opposite sex like that. Guys like me. I go on dates. I go on lots of dates. I try to give them chances. I desperately grasp at that connection, trying to find it and failing. After three or four dates with nothing I have to cut them loose because they deserve more. So much more than what I can give them. 

Then, when I do like a guy, and feel like I have the potential to like them, I get my hopes up. I try too hard. I grasp and they slip away like a dream. The wound widens, accepting another injury to the throbbing pool of pain. 

No matter how cool I think I am, I apparently still am missing something. At this point I think it's just time to accept it. I'm a unique snowflake. I march to the beat of a bizarre drummer. Finding my own special snowflake is going to take a miracle. The odds are not in my favor. They're never really in anyone's favor, but I'm odd.

As a disclaimer, don't worry. I'm doing well, life is good, just stressful what with finals and yet another failed relationship attempt. I have no one to talk to, so the outlet is once again my blog, which allows me to articulate far better than I ever could verbally what I'm feeling. 

Which right now is hopeless, even though I'm constantly trying to pep talk myself into happy. It doesn't help that it's late and I'm tired, which magnifies the feelings of hopelessness. 

Time for bed. Goodnight friends.